I learned that when I’m overwhelmed, I am SUCH an asshole.
I also learned that working full time, studying for the bar, and planning a wedding is no way to live my life.
Additionally, I learned that my stress dreams are incredibly vivid. For instance, I had multiple dreams where I was hunted down by a shooter, had to hide under cars, and was shot in the face with a rifle. Mix bar related stress dreams (being shot, coming back for the afternoon session 15 minutes later than I’m supposed to, not bringing an extra pencil, not bringing my license, finding out I was actually arrested and didn’t disclose etc.) with wedding related stress dreams (being shot, not having the license, losing the rings, nobody shows up, etc.) and you have approximately four months of terrible sleep.
Unlike those who are at private firms, my employer wasn’t paying me to take the bar again. When I told my Judge that I failed I cried hysterically; thankfully I was wearing waterproof makeup, he told me to take a week and decide whether I was going to take it again or not. I immediately said no, I’d rather wait 5 years and practice in the state I was admitted to than sit and take the bar again. Well, four days later guess who had finished her bar application and put in for seven days of vacation.
I’ll give you a hint: this is a blog about me.
Answer: It was me.
Here is a list of all the things I learned when I took the bar for the second time:
1. I’m not dumb, stupid, lazy, or inept – I just answer two or three questions wrong. Plenty of people failed the bar the first time they took it. For instance: Hillary Clinton (failed DC), Michelle Obama (failed IL), FDR (failed NY), JFK (failed NY), Justice Cardozo (failed FIVE TIMES).
2. I had a cool sense of deja vu. I knew what the morning would be like, what the afternoons would be like, and how to structure my answers. I spent less time focusing on the mechanics of setting up IRAC and more time on the substantive materials.
3. Some employers care a little bit. I didn’t know this until I failed, but I learned that some employers only hire people who have passed the bar on the first attempt. It sucks to hear, especially if you wanted to apply to the firm, but whatever. They don’t want you, so don’t spend anymore time on wishing you did better, or beating yourself up about trying harder. There is a place that wants to hire you, whether it’s the state/local government, the federal government, or a private practice.
4. The proctors still sucked. STOP LOOKING AT MY ID SO OFTEN. JEEZE LOUISE, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HOLOGRAMS TO LOOK FOR OR ARE YOU JUST AMAZED TO SEE AN OUT-OF-STATE LICENSE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. PUT IT DOWN AND GTFO.
5. Room temperature lunch blows. Oh, yum, just want I always wanted, two semi-warm peanut butter sandwiches. Thanks nutrition gods! *I know I packed my own lunch, but there aren’t any refrigerators to use and the lunches had to remain in a separate area.
6. Driving home never felt so good.
7. Don’t go to work the next day, if you can. Stay the fuck home, take a shower, drink some coffee, and take approximately six naps because you’ll still be tired as hell.
8. When the results come out again, don’t check them at work.